Mornings In Richmond

In your house

morning was not announced

by the rejoicing of birds

well…not the feathered kind

 

it was a cacophony of vehicles

rolling down the street

 

the sunlight was a grey plateau

that sliced through the window

a slanted table top of light

that needed dusting

 

while you tended to your gardening

in the bungalow

where wild forests grew

under horticultural lights

that you picked up for less than a song

and a smile for the receptionist

 

I made you omelettes

that you said were the best

you’d ever eaten.

 

I wonder now

whether the sunlight is still grey

when it shines through your window

 

 

For dverse poets critique and craft…

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9 thoughts on “Mornings In Richmond

  1. Hi. I enjoyed this slice of life in Richmond. Quite often when there’s no punctuation, the poem can read a bit like a statement, as punctuation gives breath, pause and space. Here though, it’s worked in your favour and suits the observatioal style of this piece.

    You’ve twice used dots, ‘….’ which I often think is a quick way of saying ‘to be continued’ and a bit of a lazy device, I think a comma instead of the first lot of dots would work better.

    ‘well, not the feathered kind’
    ‘I wonder now’ – this stands well enough without the dots after it.

    These 2 lines made me stumble a bit and took me out of the scene.

    ‘that you picked up for less than a song

    and a smile for the receptionist’

    That said, this is a moving poem, the wondering at the end gives the impression that the house in Richmond isn’t visited these days and there’s a nostalgia mixed with the memories of those times when you were there.

  2. Thankyou, and yes, I do use dots, more often than not because of habit and as you said laziness though never quite acknowledged it before. I must say my only querie with “picked up for less than a song” was that it was cliche. I will have to think on that one. But I do thankyou for commenting and I will give your ideas some thought. 🙂

  3. I like the tone of this, a snapshot into a moment of your life. It raised questions for me: Which Richmond? (I lived in the one in VA and found myself trying to recognize it and know the one in CA) This is not important to the poem, just stoked my curiosity. And what was he growing? If it was pot, makes me think it’s the one in CA. :0) The fact that it creates images and questions in the readers mind is good, I think, because it allows him to insert himself into the poem. BTW, I love ellipses, too.

    • It is Richmond in Melbourne, Australia. You can have four seasons in a day in Melbourne and those old terrace houses just seem to keep out the light, it always seemed grey,and never any birds, so different from where I live now and recalling that made me think on this poem. Thankyou for commenting 🙂

  4. Avril’s given a lot of good crit; it’s a nice piece. What sticks out for me is the formatting. a gap between each line rarely works for me. It makes this seem unnecessarily long. Suggest putting into stanza, something like –

    In your house
    morning was not announced
    by the rejoicing of birds
    well…not the feathered kind

    it was a cacophony of vehicles
    rolling down the street

    the sunlight was a grey plateau
    that sliced through the window
    a slanted table top of light
    that needed dusting

    while you tended to your gardening
    in the bungalow
    where wild forests grew
    under horticultural lights
    that you picked up for less than a song
    and a smile for the receptionist

    I made you omelettes
    that you said were the best
    you’d ever eaten.

    I wonder now….

    whether the sunlight is still grey
    when it shines through your window

    or perhaps –

    In your house
    morning was not announced
    by the rejoicing of birds

    well…not the feathered kind
    it was a cacophony of vehicles
    rolling down the street

    the sunlight was a grey plateau
    that sliced through the window
    a slanted table top of light

    that needed dusting
    while you tended to your gardening
    in the bungalow

    where wild forests grew
    under horticultural lights
    that you picked up for less than a song

    and a smile for the receptionist
    I made you omelettes
    that you said were the best

    you’d ever eaten.
    I wonder now….
    whether the sunlight is still grey

    when it shines through your window

    • Funnily enough I did initially put it in stanza’s but I had another line in it that kept annoying me. When I omitted that line I didn’t think it would matter but your first idea was pretty much the same and I do like that so…yes I think that is a big improvement. Thankyou for your comments, it is much appreciated. 🙂

  5. I really liked this morning in Richmond. Mostly, in my experience, indoor horticultural lights are used for growing pot but I could be wrong! I like the ending too where you wonder if the sunlight is still grey shining through his/her window–you’ve brightened it I’m sure.

    • This was a snapshot from when I was younger and I now live in a beautiful sunny place that is filled with the rejoicing of birds… 🙂 without the green forests in the bungalow I might add 😉 I am glad you liked it and thankyou for your comments.

  6. I’m acquainted with Richmond, Melbourne, so that was nice for me, but I think you have painted the picture very well anyway. I love the nostalgic tone. I don’t have anything to add to the crits others have given. I think it’s a refreshingly effective piece.

    Oh, just one thing — Mornings (in title) should not have an apostrophe.

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